When I was a kid I used to fall down on purpose to see my knees bleed or my skin tear. I would sit and stare at the skin, all white and numb then the blood would come sometimes in drips, sometimes in spots, sometimes it would gush out depending on how hard I’d hit the sidewalk. Slamming my knees into the pavement so I’d have to pick out the pebbles and the dirt. When the scabs came, I’d pick them off too and bleed again.
So it didn’t seem so bad that when Grandpa's friend took me out to the shed in the back yard when I was eight. That made me bleed too but he didn’t care. He took a fish out of the pond Grandpa had made in the backyard and he layed it on the grass and made me watch it flop around and fight for air and die. Then he threw it back in the water and told me to never tell. He didn’t know I liked it.
Later when we went in the shed he made me do things to him and then he’d always bend me over. We went into the shed for years. If he saw me out back, on the swings, he’d need to borrow something suddenly from Grandpa and he’d come over. I used to want him to come over. I’d swing on the swing set real high with no panties on. He didn’t know I killed all the fish in grandpa’s pond one afternoon with my bare hands. I’d killed their puppy too. Holding his neck nice and tight, watching him struggle and kick just like I did out in the shed.
My grandma caught me once lifting up my shirt in the front window. She caught me masturbating to my uncle’s playboy magazine once in the basement. She caught me taking a shower with my Uncle.
I didn’t go back to Grandma’s after that.
I couldn’t go to Grandma’s anymore so I’d ride my bike by his house and his wife was sick and in a wheelchair so we’d go to his basement and I’d crawl through the window, making sure I scraped my thigh on the sharp metal edge as I’d squeeze through. Then I could watch myself bleed while he came. After a while he couldn't even get hard anymore but I liked being high and he liked watching me.
My mother got re-married and he liked my ass, too.
I’ve been to the hospital thirteen times, some guys like making a girl bleed. They don’t know how much practice I’ve had though. They can never hurt me as much as I can hurt myself.
Even after all the men who fuck me and fuck me and fuck me inside and out and torn up and ripped and tattered and bleeding always bleeding, I’m still here.
BIO: Sonia Rapertly is 23 and from Couer d'Alene, Idaho. She is currently attending the University of Iowa. She also bartends, has no tattoos and owns two goldfish named Bob and Bob. This works well as she can't tell them apart anyway.
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